(Trigger warning-contains a true story about addiction)
The A Word
Addiction- What comes to mind when you hear this term? It’s easy to come up with a definition based on what you have seen or heard. But have you experienced it? Have you had an addiction to where you couldn’t stop doing something no matter how much you tried, hurt yourself or others around you? Or has your life been impacted by an addict whose choices affected your life? These questions are something to ponder because there are so many people around us who struggle silently with addiction or with an addict. This post is coming from a good place, deep in my heart with the purest intentions because I indeed, have been impacted by a person with addiction. Accepting it has been the hardest part of my journey because I never thought it could happen to my family.
So, to do this correctly, I need to start over and re-introduce myself. Deep breath in… ready, set, go. "Hi, my name is Uresha, and my brother is an addict". Deep breath out. A wave of anxiety hits me every time I say it, so I try to practice in front of the mirror as often as I can admit it. It is very hard.
Childhood, Where It All Began
My brother’s journey of addiction is deep-rooted, with layers and layers of unresolved issues, which never got addressed throughout his life. Looking back, all I remember is a mischievous boy who loved girls, sports, and family. Sometimes the order of these 3 elements varied but always stayed the same. I also look back and recall that he was that typical teenage kid always at the wrong place at the wrong time, doing the same things his friends or cousins were doing too. The only difference was that he’d be the one to get caught and take the blame. Whether it was a playboy, booze, or even weed, he was the one. Come on guys, don’t be shocked. Most of us here know this is pretty common. I’m not sure if this should have been the start of many red flags, but back then, all my parents could do was put a belt to his butt, 5 fingers across his face, or a long lecture about their sacrifices. It was the way we were parented back then. There was no such thing as “gentle parenting” or therapy. They were hard-working, pioneer parents, living, breathing, and working at their business to provide us the life they didn’t have and a future they wanted for us.
He grew up to be a star football player for our high school and the day college scouts came to see him play, he had a career-ending injury and shattered his ACL. He was devasted. In 2001, He went on to graduate high school with honors, went to college at UT Knoxville, home of the Tennessee Vols, and graduated with a marketing degree. He was a poet at heart and could write about some deep things. He could build a castle out of scraps from a junkyard. So handsome, talented, creative, and passionate about all things in nature. Camping, lake life, and the beach were all his favorite things. After college, he decided he wanted his own business and found out that our dry county was allowing liquor to be sold and he and my dad got approved through a lottery system to have the license to build the very first liquor store in our county. Let me tell you, the amount of research he did on the history of Tennessee Moonshine was amazing to see and come to life. His store was historic. Something we were so proud of. Something he was so proud of. He was extremely successful with his business and passionate about what he was doing. It was called "Bootleggers".
Adulting, Life Was Almost Good
He moved on to meet his wife, got married, and had a son. This phase of his life was beautiful, but rocky due to his masked addiction. We always knew something was off, but never knew to what extent. His marriage wasn’t perfect, and no marriage is. But the love was always there. Unconditionally. Through his marriage, he grew and matured, but had the hardest time balancing responsibilities. This is an entire topic we'll talk about later.
In 2020, my parents retired after 30 years of being in the same business and the same town. They owned a small 30-unit motel, along with the liquor store my brother built with my dad and managed for 12 years right out of college. During those 12 years, the lines of being a liquor connoisseur to upsell his products became an addiction without us truly seeing it. The decision had to be made to sell the store so we could get him away from the toxic life he was living. This was during COVID-19, and the world around us was very uncertain. Within a short span, my brother got divorced, and lost custody of his son, my parents could not stay with him because of the daily fights about life, and the business he built was sold, and for good reason. After weeks of him being the topic of every conversation and me doing some homework, I flew to Knoxville with a one-way ticket to a rehab in Austin. All he had to do was get on the plane and come with me. He had spiraled and couldn’t admit he needed help nor admit he had a problem. It was all our fault. No accountability, no acceptance. Just 3 days of hurtful conversations, anger, frustration, finger-pointing, and narcissistic behavior. I went home feeling defeated and helpless. The only thing I could do was to be sure my parents were okay because they weren’t. None of us were. I convinced them to come to Texas and stay with me until we figured out what their next phase of retirement was. It was the best decision they ever made because now we co-parent my brother and will be for the rest of his life.
The Spiral Effect
From that moment on, for the next year, he was in and out of jobs, heavily drinking, was a terrible parent, and made co-parenting with my Bhabhi a nightmare. He totaled his car and got a DUI. He was spending money on attorney and court fees trying to deal with his DUI and custody with Bhabhi. His choices were not only bad for him, but very damaging to my very young nephew who was maybe 3 or 4 at the time. He completely stopped communication with us. The level of guilt we had for leaving him alone was overwhelming but what could we do for someone who didn’t want to help themselves? We thought this was rock bottom for him, but it wasn’t. All we could do was pray for him to be safe.
In May 2022, it all finally caught up to him. He had been drinking so much that his body started to reject alcohol and he became very sick. He had started doing drugs to cope. Ordinarily, when you hear of people dying from alcoholism, it’s because of liver cirrhosis or cancer. He was probably heading that way because vomiting blood and just being deathly sick led him to go to the doctor and an endoscopy procedure was ordered immediately. In the middle of the procedure, he went into cardiac arrest. His brain was oxygen-deprived for less than 10 seconds and once his heart was revived, he was rushed to the ER. I can honestly say that this procedure and the cardiac arrest saved his life, no matter how different it is now. He would have still been drinking or even worse, doing drugs because his body couldn’t take the booze. He would have died alone, in his apartment days before we would have even known. He was hospitalized for 6 weeks in ICU where he was on life support for the first week. He went through drug and alcohol withdrawal. Watching him go through withdrawal was traumatic for me. He had to be restrained because of all the tubes and IVs attached to him, he hallucinated, he screamed and cried, he sweated and shivered. He vomited even though he had a feeding tube, he pooped in the bed. He was aggressive with anyone who tried to touch him even if it was to give him meds, clean him up, or fix his pillow. He did everything and worse than what you could see on T.V. It’s images that I will never forget. I stayed with him at night because this was not something I wanted my parents to see. He slept most of the day because he partied at night with whatever imaginary friends he saw. I anxiously waited for doctors and tried to keep up with work.
Ifiled for emergency guardianship over him because he had no power of attorney, no living will, or nothing in writing in case of an emergency. He had a mortgage, a car payment, bills, and a son. The guardianship was quick thanks to an acquaintance who is now a dear friend. She and her partner took things by the horns and fast-tracked my guardianship so I could make decisions on behalf of my brother and his care. There was no discharge plan or instructions on how we would take care of someone in my brother’s condition. He certainly couldn’t live alone again. He was in a nursing home for another 6 weeks until we could figure out what to do. My parents and I took turns staying with him for 12 weeks going back and forward from Texas to Tennessee. We were lucky to have old friends from the Knoxville community to be there and support us with warm food, a place to stay if we needed it, or just a simple break. Thank you! Family is who steps up, drops life, and is there for you when you need them the most. We are truly blessed and grateful.
Life After Almost Death
Fast forward to today, my brother lives with my parents and is 15 minutes from me. He suffers from what is called “Wernicke’s Encephalopathy” or for short (WE). I had never heard of it until my brother was diagnosed with it. Hell, it took me weeks to learn how to pronounce it, much less learn how to navigate our lives with it. If you are curious and want to learn more, check out the National Institute of Neurological Disorders & Stroke. What is Wernicke Korsakoff syndrome? According to NINDS, Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome is a neurological disorder caused by the lack of thiamine (vitamin B1). The disorder includes Wernicke encephalopathy and Korsakoff amnesic syndrome which are not different conditions but different stages of the same disease (Wernicke-Korsakoff syndrome). Wernicke's encephalopathy represents the "acute" phase of the disorder and Korsakoff's amnesic syndrome represents the disorder progressing to a "chronic" or long-lasting stage. The disorder's main features are problems in acquiring new information or establishing new memories, and in retrieving previous memories. Wernicke's encephalopathy is a degenerative brain disorder caused by the lack of vitamin B1. It may result from alcohol abuse, dietary deficiencies; prolonged vomiting, or eating disorders.
B1 deficiency causes damage to the brain's thalamus and hypothalamus. Symptoms include Mental confusion; Vision problems; Hypothermia; of muscle coordination (ataxia)
My brother has WE/WK due to alcohol abuse and subsequently, now suffers from short-term memory loss among the other symptoms. He was diagnosed with anxiety and depression a few years ago but masked it with alcohol and drugs. The root cause of his depression or addiction was never addressed and like I said earlier, he had layers and layers of unresolved issues. I always ask myself if things would have been different if he had just gotten on that plane with me and gone to the rehab, I desperately begged him to go to. Or had the damage been done? When I think about the timeline, I believe he would have turned the corner leading to recovery. He needed a break from his reality, a break from feeling like a failure, and a chance to face the demons he was fighting. He needed a chance to talk to someone unbiased and an expert on his problems. He needed a community that shared his pain. He needed a healthy, mental reset. I’ll always ask myself what I could have done differently to get him on that plane. What should have my approach been after going zero to 60 because I was reactive, rather than proactive? I’ll never know. He doesn’t remember anything from his past. He knows he graduated high school and college. He remembers running a liquor store and some of his staff. He remembers his childhood friends. But he doesn’t remember his son or marriage. He doesn’t talk about them and due to his addiction, he lost them both. My Bhabhi (sister-in-law) is my best friend. We were sisters when we met, and we'll be sisters till the end.
What I have experienced, is nothing compared to the 10-12 years she lived with my brother. I will always appreciate her for loving him even when he loved his addiction more.
My Bhabhi cared about him very much but couldn’t take it anymore. We, as a family, supported her decision to leave him and to have full custody of my nephew. That is unheard of in the Gujarati community, but we sided with my nephew and not my brother or Bhabhi. As a special ed teacher, the level of patience, love, and nurturing she had to share was immeasurable compared to how my nephew would have been raised if my brother remained in his life. This is who addiction impacts. Spouses, children, parents, siblings, and more. Most of us are aware of mental health issues and addiction, but how do we educate our 65+-year-old parents? it was difficult to explain it to me, so I kept it simple, and to the facts. I had my parents download an English-to-Gujarati dictionary/ translator app on their phones to look things up. Luckily my parents speak and understand English pretty well, but when it comes to complex things like this, it takes them time to process and understand. Rather than my parents spending time on their phones reading forwards on WhatsApp, I downloaded several apps and found Gujarati YouTube videos on addiction for them to listen to. They learned about the psychological effects of addiction and the consequences of it. I am so proud of their awareness and willingness to take a New approach as we navigate life with my brother.
addiction: a compulsive, chronic, physiological, or psychological need for a habit-forming substance, behavior, or activity having harmful physical, psychological, or social effects and causing well-defined symptoms (such as anxiety, irritability, tremors, or nausea) upon withdrawal or abstinence: the state of being addicted.
After reading the definition of addiction, do you believe it is a choice or a disease? It has scientifically been proven that addiction is a disease. It is certainly a choice to indulge in alcohol, drugs, gambling, gaming, pornography, and sex among many other things. But when the lines get blurred from an occasional indulgence to an element you desperately need to get through the day, it eventually becomes an addiction. Some addicts may have self-control and will isolate themselves to hide their problems. A lot of times, no one even realizes there is a concern because addicts learn how to function and mask it well. With my brother, this was our experience. He was a functioning alcoholic and later a drug addict. I am not embarrassed to share this with anyone. We walk past people who look like us, whose stories we don’t know about. We pass judgment before knowing the facts and don’t ask the right questions. Addiction is in the Gujarati community in many forms. The shame, stigma, and lack of awareness are stopping us from pushing for change and consequently increasing the risk of suicide. It is very difficult to ask for help. Surround yourself with people who notice when you're not as chatty as usual. Talk to people who are not in your circle, but would like to be, but can't because their life doesn't permit them to. We can be our own, walking, talking resource to others. If you are struggling with addiction, there is treatment just like cancer, diabetes, and heart disease among millions of other illnesses, because addiction is a disease.
Resources
Have you watched these Bollywood films that depict addiction? Let me know what you think of the storyline. It can happen even if you are in love, have a successful career and have a family that loves you. It's a disease that doesn't care.
What about these Hollywood movies? The characters were child addicts and adults, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Addiction Is A Family Disease. How did they help themself and the addict? What could they have done differently?
I learned of his hospitalization only thru a friend of a friend within a month or so ago. This is so unfortunate as a mutual friend died of alcoholism in College. I absolutely love your Mom and Dad, your mom cooked me some of the best food that I would never forget (yes your brothers wife does cook a mean butter chicken). I tried reaching out multiple times and I didn’t see the signs, I am sorry about that. He wrote a poem la familia and he will always be in my heart. Let me know how or what can I do for you and your family.
John Cordell